All posts tagged: movies

in_the_name_of_the_siege_poster.jpgLast night we rented “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale“. I should have trusted my instincts which always tell me to never rent a movie with the word “Dungeon” in it. But it had that dude from Transporter in it and he kicks butt, so it can’t be that bad right? I think this is a case of “how can we have some fun blowing $60,000,000”, sounds like a fun game huh? So here’s how you make a really bad movie:

First find a Bad-A actor and pay him so much money that he takes a role that makes him look like a girl (no offense to girls). Oh yeah, and name him “Farmer”.

Then cast Burt Reynolds as a the King. (really?)

Add Ray Liotta as an Evil & horribly dressed sorcerer with a terrible voice. (really, really?)

Hire Gimli Son of Gloin (John Rhys-Davies), but don’t make him be Gimli, have him be the good sorcerer, but have him speak with the same accent as Gimli. (sorry LOTR fans)

Just for fun throw in this guy* as your court jester, oh wait – he’s actually a villain.

*I say “this guy” because he’s the guy from Scooby Doo, She’s All That, Scream, Scream 2, Hackers, and other movies – he’s the goof, the funny guy, but I never know his name.

And to top it off, bring on Leelee Sobieski as your token sex symbol/woman fighter. I know, I know as if it couldn’t get any weirder!

Have all your actors speak with their normal voices & accents (except numb-nuts – I seriously laughed out loud every time he spoke).

Steal cinematic scenes from movies like:

Lord of The Rings (all three), Gladiator, Willow, Star Wars, Braveheart, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, 300, Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail, Bonanza

Steal fight scenes from movies like:

Lord of The Rings (all three), Gladiator, Willow, Star Wars, Braveheart, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, 300, The Matrix, Planet of the Apes, Walker Texas Ranger,

Spend all your budget on special magical effects, but none on your fighting scenes (or continuity).

Have Orc’s as your bad guys, but call them Krug’s.

Get all your costumes from Party City.

Throw in the surprising “You are the son of the King” twist!

Use phrases such as:

“Tell me something nice. Tell me how you love me…” – “You know.”

“Respect is my Birthright!” in a horrible British accent.

“You already killed me once today, and yet here we are again.”

“I’m with you Farmer!”

“I have a mare. She’s old but still strong.” (to which an older fighter says) “Old but still strong”.

“Must you always appear suddenly from nowhere?” “I don’t; I appear suddenly from somewhere.”

“I can’t come pounding on miladies door now can I?” (spoken in an American accent, by Liota)

“Be gone from my chambers.”

“Farmer! You know what people say. They say… there are… things in Sedwick Forrest.”

“Long live the King!”

“In the name of Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehb!” (pronounced like bed)

“God blesses those who die for honor, and troooooooooth!”

“Wisdom is our hammer and prudence is our nail”.

“Sometimes the gods know what is best for us”. “What the hell does that mean?”

And then to wrap the whole thing up, have a little Irish Folk Song play as the credits role. (by the way, you MUST watch that video link!)

Honestly, I’m glad I got to see this little gem, I couldn’t wait to blog about it! There’s some more fun comments at this review site.

Today started with a family trip to McDonanld’s for breakfast. Then we headed over to Joan’s to get some paint. Then back home where we built 2 cars for the kiddos because tonight they had movie night at church. The movie was “Cars”, so all the kids made cardboard box cars – the best ones won prizes, which we are proud to say Miles won for his car. It was a really cool night for the kids. Miles invited a friend of his from school. Macy made it almost half way through before becoming completed uninterested in the movie. Check out the video here.

Jen and I love to watch movies – mostly we rent them. Here’s our review of the past few movies we’ve watched.

disturbia Disturbia: This one was recommended by my sister…

What a dissapointment! The whole first half of the movie was soooo boring. There was a cool scene at the very beginning but it wasn’t worked into the film enough to really make sense. So we were waiting for the movie to really kick in, which it never did. It was just a really cheesy teen murder mystery that just got worse as it went on. I can’t recommend it and I’m sorry if you wasted 2 hours on this teenage cheezeball murder mystery thriller wannabe.

300 300 – highly recommended by everybody!

WOW! I love me some war movie. Larger than life, men being men, kickin’ A. It doesn’t get much better than this. I would closely compare it to Gladiator, although it doesn’t have the epic scenes that Gladiator does. It has one really great scene (or maybe two). This scene is when a deformed man wants to be a Spartan soldier, but the leader of the Spartans asks him to raise his shield and he cannot. It is explained that every Spartan is required to protect the man to his left with his shield, from thigh to neck. So the “freak” is refused a place in the Spartan Phalanx. The next scene shows the 300 Spartans fighting off thousands of Persians, using the Phalanx formation, and they are just kicking BUTT. I love it. Other than some silly nude scenes, this movie is awesome!

fracture Fractured: Starring Anthony Hopkins.

You can pretty much bet that anything Anthony Hopkins is in will be great. This was a good thriller. Not amazing, but compared with the movies we were watching, this shined like a diamond in the rough. It started out a little slow, but by towards the end it got addicting and we wanted to know what was going to happen. I would say this movie delivered as a thriller/shocker. And in the end you really felt like rooting for the good guy.

perfect strangers

Perfect Stangers: Random Rental

Ok, this one was Jen’s fault – just a normal rental, new release. I mean it wasn’t her fault, but it was. This was horrible. I can’t believe an ocsar winning actress would stoop to this level. I mean come on man! This was BAD BAD BAD, soooooo cheesy. I can’t even believe that this movie made it from screen write to production. Oh yeah, they use the “F” word like at least 100 times unnecessarily. Highly unrecommended.

marineYou know this blog is all about reality, if not I would never admit to watching “The Marine” starring WWE Champion, John Cena. My wife said, “I didn’t know, I just picked it up”. About half way through the movie I realized that this wasn’t an action movie at all, but a comedy. Some of the more memorable moments:

Man, this guy’s like the Terminator (at which point Robert Patrick actually turns and winks at the camera!).

Man, I hate cops… and rock candy!

Always wanna blame the black man!

I thought you said there was no crocodiles… those are alligators.

It’s terrifying with all these animals and bugs! (this from a cold-blooded killer bad guy).

Did something die in here? Yeah it smells like baked a$$!

There was this camp counselor. Cool honkey… like to be called Johnny Whiplash! …He offered me something I never should have accepted…

I’m makin’ this up as I go.

Say hello to your wife!

We should have gone to the beach.

I don’t think I’ve posted this video we put together for a series we did a few months ago. It’s one of the favorite videos I’ve done – not too bad for a 20 minute shoot and only a week before the “go live” date! (oh yeah, I already know that “sinfull” is mispelled, didn’t have time to fix it in the edit).