How to Make (possibly) the Worst Movie Ever

in_the_name_of_the_siege_poster.jpgLast night we rented “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale“. I should have trusted my instincts which always tell me to never rent a movie with the word “Dungeon” in it. But it had that dude from Transporter in it and he kicks butt, so it can’t be that bad right? I think this is a case of “how can we have some fun blowing $60,000,000”, sounds like a fun game huh? So here’s how you make a really bad movie:

First find a Bad-A actor and pay him so much money that he takes a role that makes him look like a girl (no offense to girls). Oh yeah, and name him “Farmer”.

Then cast Burt Reynolds as a the King. (really?)

Add Ray Liotta as an Evil & horribly dressed sorcerer with a terrible voice. (really, really?)

Hire Gimli Son of Gloin (John Rhys-Davies), but don’t make him be Gimli, have him be the good sorcerer, but have him speak with the same accent as Gimli. (sorry LOTR fans)

Just for fun throw in this guy* as your court jester, oh wait – he’s actually a villain.

*I say “this guy” because he’s the guy from Scooby Doo, She’s All That, Scream, Scream 2, Hackers, and other movies – he’s the goof, the funny guy, but I never know his name.

And to top it off, bring on Leelee Sobieski as your token sex symbol/woman fighter. I know, I know as if it couldn’t get any weirder!

Have all your actors speak with their normal voices & accents (except numb-nuts – I seriously laughed out loud every time he spoke).

Steal cinematic scenes from movies like:

Lord of The Rings (all three), Gladiator, Willow, Star Wars, Braveheart, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, 300, Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail, Bonanza

Steal fight scenes from movies like:

Lord of The Rings (all three), Gladiator, Willow, Star Wars, Braveheart, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, 300, The Matrix, Planet of the Apes, Walker Texas Ranger,

Spend all your budget on special magical effects, but none on your fighting scenes (or continuity).

Have Orc’s as your bad guys, but call them Krug’s.

Get all your costumes from Party City.

Throw in the surprising “You are the son of the King” twist!

Use phrases such as:

“Tell me something nice. Tell me how you love me…” – “You know.”

“Respect is my Birthright!” in a horrible British accent.

“You already killed me once today, and yet here we are again.”

“I’m with you Farmer!”

“I have a mare. She’s old but still strong.” (to which an older fighter says) “Old but still strong”.

“Must you always appear suddenly from nowhere?” “I don’t; I appear suddenly from somewhere.”

“I can’t come pounding on miladies door now can I?” (spoken in an American accent, by Liota)

“Be gone from my chambers.”

“Farmer! You know what people say. They say… there are… things in Sedwick Forrest.”

“Long live the King!”

“In the name of Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehb!” (pronounced like bed)

“God blesses those who die for honor, and troooooooooth!”

“Wisdom is our hammer and prudence is our nail”.

“Sometimes the gods know what is best for us”. “What the hell does that mean?”

And then to wrap the whole thing up, have a little Irish Folk Song play as the credits role. (by the way, you MUST watch that video link!)

Honestly, I’m glad I got to see this little gem, I couldn’t wait to blog about it! There’s some more fun comments at this review site.

One thought on “How to Make (possibly) the Worst Movie Ever

  1. James McLean

    wow! that is the oddest assembled cast i have ever seen.
    ok first of all, that british dude from transporter is not an actor, he is the next generation Steven Seagall.

    second, Ray Liotta gives me the creeps.

    and also, random fact…”that guy” is Matt Lillard and he went to the same school i did for theatre, Fullerton College baby! his first big role was the original Scream.

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